Need Your Help With My Story: Reservoir of the Underdog

[Reiga]

So a while back, I said I was writing a story. 
After being delayed by school and work, I managed to finish writing Chapter 10 and re-editing the previous chapters. 
I need you guys' help by reading my crappy book and telling me what you thought about it(along with what you liked and didn't like and any questions).

This is NOT a pornographic story, because I'm trying to publish this as a Young Adults novel.  However, I am able to write fanservice in my future chapters.  I'm aiming around 20 Chapters before I try publishing it.

Chapters 1-10 http://www.mediafire.com/?6onxpyvlswggvk6

Art is done by BearDrooler: http://beardrooler.deviantart.com/ & http://www.furaffinity.net/user/beardrooler
My current homepage(because Y! was being a dick about me not drawing those pics and not sure what DA would say): http://www.furaffinity.net/user/reservoirunderdog

Thanks for helping X3 Here's some bedpillow fanservice pics of my characters, Ryan and Daniel.  Also, a Calender pic for the month of March(yeah, I know, the month is nearly over)

[punipen]

Ooh! I remember this Glad to see it's coming along nicely
Will post my feedbacks once I've read all 10 chapters. But from the character arts, I'm pretty sure my imagination will go wild while I'm reading it!

[Reiga]

Ooh! I remember this Glad to see it's coming along nicely
Will post my feedbacks once I've read all 10 chapters. But from the character arts, I'm pretty sure my imagination will go wild while I'm reading it!

Thanks, but you don't need to read all 10 X3

Also, those fanservice pics were made to grab people's attention X3

As I said, this story is non-pornographic XD But I do try to put fanservice every now and then
For example, here's one from Chapter 8 X3

(This pic was made by a different artist, Benho, but he had to stop taking my commissions in order to take up 2 jobs)

[punipen]

Ok, I've finished chapter 1 and these are my thoughts.

- I think the fight scene feels a bit too long and is overly described. More over, the fight seems to focus so much on Ryan that I don't think the mysterious dog is that  important or surprising. He resembled Toby but that's about it.

- The whole chapter doesn't really seem to be what I expected when I read the chapter's title. I was expecting something more exciting like Ryan found out that he was chosen to be the Dog's God or something similar. So when I found out that the whole chapter is about character introduction -> battle scene , I feel kind of let down.

- Since I used to take Aikido class, I found it weird that Ryan would punch them right after you mention Aikido and Judo, both  being well known for neither punching nor kicking. There is a part that Ryan use techniques from both martial arts, but I think it comes a little late since you mentioned them much earlier in the fight.

- I love the character interaction between Daniel and Ryan. And I like how he just mention a boyfriend without having to go into an issue of being gay and what not. It looks so casual and I really like it

- Some sentences don't seem to flow very well. I feel like this is because there are too many 'Ryan' in one paragraph. Replacing them with something else for some variety might make it flow better. On the other hand, what you refer to the thugs keep changing so often that it can be quite difficult to keep up. But maybe that's just me.

- "Ryan turned around to observe if anybody dared to get up after the destruction he just unleashed in self-defense. No one got up, because they were all out cold with minor to major injuries."
I think this might sound better if you cut the 'because' off, something like.

"Ryan turned around to observe if anybody dared to get up after the destruction he just unleashed in self-defense. No one did"

I just feel like there is no need for explanation here, since you already painted a picture of how their asses were kicked by Ryan. It seems redundant and unnecessary to tell us that they were out cold.


I think that's it for the first chapter. I'll keep on reading and come back with more feedbacks!

[Reiga]

lol, thanks.  I oversimplified the sentences, because most of my readers said that I was putting in too many big words.  Not to mention, they said that I had too much dialogue and not enough action.  Seems I'm still putting too much words.  And the way it's written is supposed to be 3rd person that is influenced by the emotions of the character they are narrating.

Also, Chapter 1 is the worst of my chapters, lol.  I still cringe looking at it DX It's only supposed to be the hook  that makes people confused and curious.  The fight scene was actually a paragraph, lol.  Then I was told to remake it.

As for the fight scene, yeah, too much detail.  But hey, I just need to get the idea out first before I can perfect it.  And originally, there was no punches, but it needed some flair X3  I tend to put WAAAAY too much information DX I'm better suited for comic book scripting, lol.  Gotta take out that Aikido and Judo part, cause that's really not needed.

Aside from the character's names, I just try to keep changing the words so it doesn't seem boring.  And what do you suggest about the character's names?  Cause the main characters are both males and saying "The boy" is gonna be confusing.  And last names are out of the question, cause that would also be confusing.

Also, Ryan is straight X3 They're just really close friends.  It's ummm...what do you call it?  Guy Love X3 scrubs - guy love
And talking about gay issues is just gay.  This isn't a coming out story, it's a story that involves persevering through the trials of life and power...also explosions Explosions!!1 Michael Bay.flv

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that painful stuff, lol.  Thanks for the input.  Mighty big pill to swallow, but I'll try my best to do better.  I'm really sorry that you couldn't find more pros than cons DX 
I'm more surprised that you actually read my crap.  I've only been testing this stuff on 15-17 year olds X3